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As I was wearing those old-school baggy grandpa boxers, there was no safety net. I must have been 13 or so, and a relative novice in the undie-sullying game. With my focus occupied on the psychic strain of compressing my internal sphincters, my foot caught on the tent, and I hit the deck hard. Another bomb of molly had us laying siege to the dance floor, and we set about getting our vigorous fucked-up wiggle on. In the toilet, I dwelled on an intriguing tile and promptly forgot the purpose of my visit. Not wanting to be a wet, ungrateful blanket, I accepted, despite the line looking a tad adventurous.

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To conceal my discomfort, I forced a bob to the music as unnatural and wooden as a private school boy at his first rave.

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I awoke to my mum's humming, as she hung out the washing on the makeshift line between our tent and the chain link fence that separated us from the cliff face. There was a lot of compensatory fist-pumping in play. Then, realizing the potential of a steaming pant-full for weirding someone out, I reconsidered. A stale, moderately-stabby house party led me and my friend to abandon ship for our unavoidable, regular dancing destination.

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